Wentworth Is The New Black? +Other Random Thoughts

Funny enough my revisiting of this site isn’t linked to the fact that the new year is right around the corner and I’m getting a head start on any resolutions.
I’ve finished the first season of Wentworth Prison and I think, looking at my other posts, binge-watching a tv show initiates a need to release thoughts.  I tried watching The L Word but I’m just not into it so I put on a playlist of Alt-J songs and here we are.
I think I need to vent.  There is no real point in this blog besides the allowance of my thoughts to flow so I can take a look at what’s going on inside my head, and to be able to see in the future what was going on in my head December 29, 2013.  Well it’s almost 1:00am so I guess technically my thoughts are from December 28th if we’re gonna be particular.  Which I know you like.
That’s actually funny because the one thing that bothered you about Orange Is The New Black (the memoir) is the overly descriptive writing.  Don’t get my wrong I loved what I “read” (4hrs of an 11hr audiobook) but the way Kerman writes….she says everything in threes.  I wish I could pull some quotes but it’s hard to do when it’s an audiobook.  Plus the free trial expired.  I’m debating on whether to bring Someday, Someday, Maybe: A Novel by Lauren Graham or Orange Is The New Black on the trip in a few weeks.

 

Wentworth Prison (2013)

Orange Is The New Black (2013)

 

Orange Is The New Black, a lighthearted sort of Wentworth Prison has the internet is blowing up because they were released at the same time and both follow a woman visiting prison for the first time and her struggles.  Although everyone’s saying Wentworth makes OITNB seem unrealistic and uneasily simplistic, I have to disagree.  There are similarities, I’m not going to deny that.  For instance:
Piper’s fiancé is named Larry, Bea’s husband is named Harry
   

The supporting character is a brunette lesbian who works in the laundry room (and in the first episode we see they’re both in control of heroin drug mules),

    

A screwdriver is used for sex-related use,

    

Red is called Red, Bea is called Red,
    
Jaques is a sociopathic version of Red,
    
Bea hears something as she’s in what’s known as “The SHU” in OITNB
    
I could go on…
But the reason Wentworth Prison is not Teal Is The New Black is because of it’s severity.  Kerman writes in her book how most of the women she is with aren’t imprisoned for violent crimes, Bea however, is incarcerated for three charges including attempted murder.  Most of the people she’s surrounded with are murderers and that’ll sure as hell change how her world works.  People who question the realness of OITNB are ridiculous because it’s based off a memoir.  In OITNB characters are stuck in the cycle of the system.  In Wentworth prisoners are there for decade-long sentences.   I think that both stories are very accurate in depicting the story they’re meant to.
Okay, I just really needed to address that.
What else has been on my mind…?

Tea.  Chocolate Chai and Mule Apple.

My friend came out to me.  I already knew but hearing him say it made it so real.  He didn’t know beforehand.  It’s funny how that happens, often others know someone is gay before they do.  I came out to him too and as we began shedding our closets I got to talk like I’ve never talked before.  I’ve talked about sexuality with two other people but it was never like this.  There was a constant need for explanation and a lack of understanding [first-person wise] with the first two.  If you tell me all about how you skydived I can understand but when we talk about it later I’ll only end up mostly repeating what you’ve told me (and want to hear), and not with the same volume of exasperation.  It’s a discussion, I’m not re-living the adrenaline.
He said he was gay but I could only say I’m not straight.


It’s funny because in my head I say I’m gay, but once you say it aloud it’s so final.  But if I’m not gay, I’m screwed.  All this time I’ve been preparing for the lesbian life and if it turns out I’m straight I’m gonna be even more lost than I was to begin.  I’ve been holding out, figuring a love interest would make me know.  Understand.  But recently my faith in this strategy has been shaky.  However my friend came out because a guy he likes is interested in him and he wants to try dating him.  If it happened for him, it can happen for me.   In my head I think about my future in relationships and I’ve come to terms I probably won’t date ’till I’m in university.  That seems to be the safest place.  I had a weird sexual encounter with an old (guy) flame recently and I kept seeing two emotions flare up.  One was that I wanted to be loved.  Not feel loved, because I couldn’t see that happening then, just I wanted to be loved.  But I couldn’t return the favour.  The second is more personal so I’ll keep it inside but I’m sure you’ll remember.  Think about the lack of connection.  Anyways, at uni I’m going to be out.  Whether that’s out as gay, bi, straight or questioning, I will be out of this godforsaken closet.

Thoughtsthoughtsthoughs…My circle of friends has been drastically decreasing.  I don’t even think I have anyone to go out for New Year’s with.  What worries me is I’m not lonely.  Maybe a little bothered but I’ve been quite content.  Am I really this introverted?  If I ever feel down I think of university and how enjoyable it’ll be, in the words of Maria, and then I don’t feel so bad.  If uni sucks then I’m gonna have a problem because it’s what’s I’ve been waiting for.

Hahah I’ve managed to spit out over 900 words in half an hour yet I can’t think of a single thing for essays.  C’est ma vie.

Hmmmm other thoughts…?
Tumblr.
I’ve made accounts in the past but just like twitter, it quickly confused me with all the orientation and with the speed it’s meant to be used with.  But this time it’s different.  I’m more committed.  And I love it!
I take pride in the display of my page and enjoy the dashboard and even more, the ability to search hashtags.  I search people and things all the time and often look through google images but this is so much more satisfying to my curiosity on subjects or just the wanting to look at pretty things.
One thing tumblr has taught me is I’m not alone.  As I search things like Orphan Black, OITNB, Wentworth Prison and The Saturdays I see other people who are just as “fangirly” if you will, for the same things as me.  My friend constantly calls my interests “obsessions” which I don’t think they are.  Do I think Clea DuVall is the coolest on earth and so intriguing?         Yep.  But I don’t compare myself to the girls who cut “Justin Bieber” into their arm or hyperventilate for One Direction.  I don’t see the harm in casual fangirling.  Maybe it’s weird, maybe I’m defending something that is so obviously abnormal.  But seeing other people with the same, if not more intense feelings, makes me feel less different.

Hmmm I’ve just deleted a paragraph on someone close.  Talking to her has become a chore but I don’t want to say too much here, it’d feel like a betrayal.  I just picture her reading it and oh god that’d be awful for both of us.

Anyways that’s it for now.  I’m exhausted and dreams are what I look forward to so I’m going to go take advantage.  I shall leave you with this  absolutely perfect picture.

  Her eyes.  

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Counting Down ‘Till I’m Down For The Count

Heyooooo,

Long time no see.  Long as in forever.  ’Cause this is a blog….

I’m using this post to prepare myself for next week but before that, for anyone else – just wanna say hi.  (Don’t wanna be rude), but really this is for me.

I’ve been busy and’ve had a hectic time but I’m still standing!  ….But not for long
I’m having surgery this weekend and I hear it’s gonna be quiiiiite the recovery.  It’s supposed to be very painful (the hospital’s giving me morphine to take home) and boring so I wanna make a list of what I can watch for the week I’ll have to feel better.  Some are series I’ve seen, some are ones I’ve been told to watch.

(If you can think of any more great tv shows/movies lemme know!)

Ideas:

TV:
-Weeds
-Arrested Development
-Breaking Bad
-The L Word
-Parenthood
-Rookie Blue
-Skins (I don’t think I ever finished series 6)
-Gilmore Girls
-Orange Is The New Black
-Downton Abbey
-Chasing The Saturdays
-Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life

Movies:
-The Heat
-Knife Edge
-Island
-Finish Side Effects
-Finish Red Road
-Where I Belong
-Boy In The Striped Pyjamas
-Forrest Gump
-Salt
-Pulp Fiction
-Rear Window

Low-Key Week And Blue Is The Warmest Color

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post so figured I should post an update seeing as nothing dramatic enough has happened recently to dedicate a whole entry to.

I had a freakout with classes and now very happy to have it under control.  I’m behind in only philosophy but holy shit so much reading has to be done it’d be impossible to be on top of it all anyways so c’est la vie.

My tea addiction has potentially gotten even more drastic.  I drink about 3-5 cups of tea a day and I’m not even British.

I keep skipping naps to watch Parenthood.

That guy said I looked like shit (again!) yesterday and I was like “yeah well…thanks” then he was like, I guess you always do.  I wanted to flip out.  WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY!?  Like we have no connection, I’ve shown no interest in him, I’m obviously not wearing makeup ’cause there’s no one in class to impress, LIKE BRO LEAVE ME ALONE.  You need to stop talking to me – like actually.  And when I say I don’t want to go chill with you when you smoke don’t try and fucking convince me, I don’t wanna go!

Oh and I’m PMSing.  Like bad.

I mean I dunno what else to tell you.

Oh, Blue Is The Warmest Color is gonna play this month at a film festival in town and I really wanna go but I’m not of age.  I hope they don’t check ID.  I’m also gonna have to go alone ’cause A). It’s gay B). It’s supposed to have sex scenes and no way I’m watching that with someone I know.
It’s supposed to be the best lesbian film of the millennium so duh it’s on my hitlist.  It won at this year’s Cannes Film Festival.   If they don’t let me into the movie I’ll have to wait ’till it’s leaked on the internet.  Either way, I will view this film, *Jurassic Park voice* Life Will Find A Way.  And by Life I mean me.
I hear the director’s a douche though.  That sucks.  But apparently the film is beautiful and the actors wonderfully talented.  Speaking of the actors, the two main ones are adorable off stage.

        

Hmm what else…?
I think I’ll be tuning into Glee tonight since I can’t see how they’d mess up an episode so close to everyone’s heart.

Song I’ve been listening to this week has been My Number by Foals 🙂

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Do I look Gay?

I was just watching a video taken last week of my friends and I, and as I looked at myself more carefully it really hit me for the first time in years  –  Wow.  I look gay.

The first and last time I thought that was 2 years ago.  I started liking my best friend and when I saw her dancing I felt so many things at once I’d never felt before I didn’t know what to do.  I stood frozen, staring at her.  That night I stared at myself in the mirror crying with the realization “I’m a fucking lesbian”.  I inspected myself closely and came to the conclusion I look ridiculously gay – and I can never hide this disgusting secret.    My face, my hair, my clothes, my body type, my skin colour… everything about me screams lesbian why doesn’t anyone see?!  Why didn’t anyone tell me?!

After that I went into denial so I never thought of myself as gay so looking gay wasn’t an option, then later told myself I was bi, then later faced the whole lesbian thing again but was extremely in the closet, ignoring thoughts of women, punishing myself when I had thoughts of women, the whole “struggling with my sexuality” spiel.

Anyways, after watching it I re-read my last post about the guy asking if I’m lesbian.  (*sidenote, I find it so weird when people say “Are you lesbian” and not “Are you a lesbian“)  Now he wouldn’t of asked me that if I came off as straight, right?
If this stranger, this guy I’ve spent a total of 6 hours with, in his presence, is skeptical about my heterosexuality, wouldn’t that mean the people I actually know are too?

My friends always say things like “When you get a boyfriend-like oh my god- you have tell me!  I’m so excited for you to have one!  Ah!  I’m actually thinking about it, it’d be soooo cute!  K this is my personal mission!”
That’s often people I’ve met within the past 6 months, my older friends don’t say that.
Are they thinking they know but think I don’t know yet?
Do they know I know but don’t want to tell them?

And actually a few months ago I was talking with a friend I’ve had for a while and I said something about this sketchy guy my other group of friends like but I’m hesitant with ’cause he reminds me of my ex and his personality bothers me and the look on her face…
I don’t know if it’s because I never talk about my romantic life with her, and we’re never like “oh he’s cute” when out, or if it was because I had said I dated a guy.  But her face…

When you’re in the closet you’re lying to everyone, constantly.  But now I feel like everyone’s lying to me.

So, if I look so gay why haven’t I found a single (out) non-hetero girl?  Not even from a romantic-perspective ’cause maybe I’m so undateable looking and no one’s asking me out, but why hasn’t a single (out) girl wanted a friendship?  You know how girls want gay best-friends?  I want a lesbian best friend!  I feel like even though I try to deny it, there’s a totally new way of interacting with someone who’s sexuality is like you.  I want to make gay comments with a gay girl, I want to discuss gay politics and movies and actresses with a gay girl.  These are all things that would be so weird with someone straight.

One of my best friends is, I think, gay.  He’s never mentioned anything and I won’t be the one to bring it up but I like him because his sexuality doesn’t define him.  I never appreciated it before, but I met an out gay guy this year and although he was fun, he was reaaaally gay.  Maybe ’cause he’s young and hormonal but the gay jokes were being tossed around like there was no tomorrow and I felt like he wasn’t being Josh*, he was always being Gay.

Actually funny thing about him though, after we became friends he told me when he first saw me he thought I was a lesbian.  But then I’d talk to him about guys so he guessed not.  (I actually didn’t participate in the guy conversations, it was mostly him crushing).
The night he told me that was the night he asked if I’d ever kissed a girl.

Such an incredibly awkward question.  Plus two of my friends were in the room.  I said no (which is true) and he was like “What?!  You come off as so fluid with your sexuality!”
My other friend:  Ya it’s true!
My other other friend:  I kissed a girl once…
(and phewf, spotlight’s off me)

So, the gay guy knows I’m gay the moment he meets me, but all my straight friends have no idea?

Ahhhh this is so confusing!  I realize this whole post is just a back-and-forth with myself.

Here’s where I’m at now,
I’m not straight.  I get it.  I know this now.  I’m ok with this now.

I’ve never been with a girl so maybe all I feel is lust, maybe to be in a relationship I need a man.  I don’t know.  I don’t really care.

I know I like people so pat-on-the-back to me for not liking children, animals, inanimate objects or no one.
(*I believe in objectumsexuality and asexuality just I’d rather not be them since I feel like you can lead a happy life, but you could lead a happier life if you weren’t born that way.  If you’re either, I totally support it and don’t change a thing, I’m just thankful I like people because I like what you can get back in a relationship with a person)

I’ve been “in the closet” for a little over 2 years and while at first, the idea of being outed was horrific.  Now it doesn’t seem as bad.

I came out to my friend a few months ago and although it was terrifying, it felt right.  And since then I’ve become more comfortable with other people know I like women.

I haven’t told anyone since her, I don’t want to be 100% out yet because I’m still scared of discrimination, and even though every single one of my friends is supportive of lgbtq (with the exception of 2, but whatever), I’m scared girls will start being weird around me.  Not wanting to change around me, sleep in the same bed as me, or start reading into the things I say/do.

There’s also something fun (and by fun I mean fucking awful but comforting) about being in love with your best friend and her never knowing.
I’m one of those girls who gives the lingering hugs, forehead kisses and touches your back when she walks behind you, even if there’s space and she didn’t need to “squeeze by”.
If I’m out people will notice these things.

Anyways to sum this all up I’m convinced anyone with a gaydar can see me for me, by how I dress and my body language, and yet the only person to ask me was some stranger.
I’m comfortable with my sexuality now.  I’m not spending time wondering if what I feel is lust or love.  I feel what I feel and whatever will be, will be.

Will I tell anyone this is how I feel?  Nah.  Not yet.   I like dancing in my underwear solo to Closer, feeling like every lyric is a secret, written just for me.

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“Hah imagine if you were lesbian”

My life’s been pretty uneventful but today after class a guy “pssst”ed at me, along with whistling and lots of “hey!”s.
I ignored him ’cause I felt like a dog, and also he followed me after class last week and I didn’t want a repeat.

He caught up to me and said a formal “hi” while laughing (thinking it was funny I didn’t hear him before).

We walked down the staircase together and after some lead up he asked “So do you have anyone special?” which I answered truthfully with “no”.
Him: Do you want a relationship or no?
Me: I’m not opposed to the idea.
Him: *laughs* So what are you looking for?
Me: I dunno
Him:  Like your type?
>>Here I stopped listening without realizing till I heard the trigger-word “lesbian”.  All I could remember was,
Him: Hah imagine if you were lesbian *looks at me*
Me: Yah
Him:  That’d be funny
Me: *mumbling* So funny
Him:  *Seems satisfied with my answer* So you want a guy who opens doors and pays and call you all the time?
Me:  I’m a feminist.
I don’t really get this guy, he says I look like shit then asks if I wanna chill after class, he calls our teacher gay then says I’m funny, he says he’s dating someone then asks if I’m available.

I know this isn’t how most men are but this is all I’ve ever known and it’s turning me more and more off men.


The funny thing is the good guys, who women want, aren’t like this.  I feel like I always attract the “nice guys” who have a good heart but are awful at communicating and even worse at reading a woman’s signs and that’s why they’re single, and they like me.   I’m easy-going and non-judgemental.  Maybe I make you feel good but that doesn’t mean I want you to make me ‘feel good’.

Also, I feel less in the closet each day more into non-categorizing sexuality.  Now when I say I’m not a lesbian it’s not because I’m denying (or hiding) my feelings for women, just denying only being open to women.

However, being the optimist I am, at least it’s not a girl.  Some obsessive gay girl following me and asking me these questions would just be…uhhhg

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I got my shit together, thanks orphan black

As I walked in the freezing rain to class after 7 days of the worst week of my life,  I started laughing.
I’ve hit rock bottom.  And quite honestly, it’s funny.
Once the laughing was over and I got to class I was de-toxed and since then my usual has been restored.

I discovered Orphan Black and became mesmerized, immersed in it at all times.
As I write this I’m listening to “I Got You Babe” from the Season 1 soundtrack playlist https://8tracks.com/cloneclub/orphan-black-music-season-1, I honestly can’t get enough of every aspect of it.
After watching the entire season in a day and a half I buckled down and got some studying done, cleaned and organized.

So Orphan Black, what is it?  (*No major spoilers*)
It’s this insanely technical Americanada tv show that defies all genres, a girl assumes the identity of a woman that looks just like her after she commits suicide.
When I started watching it, it bothered me how they looked the exact same, identical twins never are, they should have changed her eyebrows or something but later it made sense why they were the spitting image of each other.

Tatiana Maslany plays multiple characters in the most incredible way.  For anyone aspiring to become an actor, take note of her every word, every move!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The audio is crazy good too!  As I said I’m listening to the soundtrack now and can’t get enough, These Boots Are Made For Walking in German?  I mean come on!  Who found that!? (There’s a German character)

Then there’s the filming.  They figured out with camera-memory, actor doubles and who knows what else how to have 3 people communicating in one shot when each one was recorded solo.

The script is great, the story-line amazing and fast-paced which I love since my biggest pet peeve is when everything is so dragged out, and by default, every episode watered down (best example is Pretty Little Liars.  They’ve had something like 3 seasons to find 1 murderer and it’s not been done yet)
I like answers, and I know I can’t get them all in one episode, not even in one season, but as long as I feel I’m getting as much as I can I’m good.

The casting was well done, the makeup is great, the lighting fantastic and the costume’s spectacular.

(*Minor Spoilers*)

One of Tatiana’s characters “Cosima” is not labelled but we assume she’s gay, or somewhere there on the spectrum,

My problem with this is in the show they’ve told us the girls are the exact same.  They talk about “nature vs. nurture” but Sarah, Allison and Beth like men so is this implying that by nature, Cosima was brought up to like women?  Or maybe it’s referencing the Kinsey theory, that sexuality isn’t black or white but a scale.  Maybe Cosima also likes men, or maybe the other women could like women but they’ve only ever thought about men.
I don’t believe the message is people are taught to be gay because people on production are gay, and the love story between her and Delphine is written beautifully not like someone’s disapproving interpretation.  Them together is genuine and lovely.
I hope in season two we learn that each twin is different in little ways, but ways big enough to make them unique to help explain Cosima’s sexuality.  All this set aside I’m a huge fan of the show and have fallen for Cosima like I had for Alex.  Something about a caring girl with black hair and glasses.

To sum it all up, after Orange Is The New Black was done I thought I would never find another show I could love with passion – I was wrong.

I guess the trick to a good show is having the first two letters of the title be “O” and “R” and having the last word of the title be “Black”

ORphan BLACK
ORange Is The New BLACK

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digging myself a grave here

And the shitty week ensues.

I’ve had bad days, bad weeks, even bad months before but they were all the kind of bad I’m accustomed to.  Feeling stressed, feeling behind everyone in class, feeling alone, feeling different.
But I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had a week like this of just awfulness.

Maybe the reason the other shitty weeks don’t seem as shitty is because I’m used to them, I know what to do when they happen and what works best to comfort me.

I’ve been late for every.  single.  class  this week, and absent for one (see previous post).
Some dude is interested in me but he flirts in that guy way, you know?
I dunno if it’s because I’m not hetero or just this is the type of men I attract but guys always seems to flirt in the same way and it drives me crazy, there’s something about it I find so annoying.  He followed me after class today.  ‘Nuff said.

Uhgggg!

I’m so into positive energy and not complaining but I can’t believe how I’m digging myself deeper and deeper into this mess.

-I forgot my bike lock when I got to school so I had to bike all the way back to get it (and ended up being late)
-My paycheque won’t go through
-I’m sick
-I’m tired
-I’ve been asked to work the day after a party I’m hosting
-Parvati still isn’t back (on Survivor)
-I got told today I “look like shit”
-I’ve missed 2 homework deadlines
-I’m behind in reading in every class I’m taking involving reading

Howwwwwwever I figured out my school’s website finally and was able to upload some homework due in a few days so high-five to me.  Hopefully this is a push in the right direction.  I am determined to get out of this, I just don’t know if the strategy is to wait it out or take action.

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“Good morning” and missing class

Remember that conquered fear?  The woman from the coffee-shop?
Well when biking to work today I heard “Good morning!” and as I look to my right, there She is, standing, smiling, and waving at me.
I smiled back and said “Good morning” while trying to play it cool, and with that I’ve already passed her.

So my day started good,
Work went well, the way to work went well since I didn’t crash my bike when she spoke to me.
However on return I was exhausted and decided a one hour power-nap would do the trick before class this evening.

Two hours later I awake to see I have 15 minutes to be in class.

This is impossible.

And I’m pissed.

I love my education and it bothers me I could miss this class.  It’s not even a hard one.

There wasn’t a test or anything just I wanted to be present for the lecture.  I’m not very interested in grades and testing I think they’re quite idiotic and it’s disappointing when everyone else is in class to graduate, not to learn.

“…The tests are only standardized
In little public schools
Where they’ve given you all the answers
And prepared you with the rules
But I don’t think life on earth is set up quite the same” -Dani Shay (Superheroes)

Since I was upset I missed my class I went out and bought chocolate (this is a good introduction to how I roll) and on the way, guess what I passed.
No really guess!

The coffee shop.  And guess who was outside?  No really guess!

Her.

On the way back I went the long way so’s to avoid the shop.  I thought that fear was conquered but maybe I’m more on a path to conquering it…

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“Orange Is The New Black”, sexuality and conquering a fear

I’d like to take you back to a dark time, when I did nothing but watch episode after episode of Orange Is The New Black.
It was a cold day yesterday, one that chilled you to the bone, one that made you shuffle under you duvet and ignore it all except for the sound of leaves rustling and on occasion rain falling.

I’d heard a lot about Orange Is The New Black on my facebook timeline, people seemed to be into it.  I cancelled my netflix before it came out but not before the advertisements did so I was familiar with its existence.

I found it online and watched every.  fucking.  episode.

There’s 13 episodes.  They’re each 60 minutes each.
Now you see why it’s ridiculous I watched them all in one sitting.

I won’t go on and on about the show, I don’t think that’s the kind of blog this is.
However, I would like to mention my complete obsession with Alex Vause (an ex-lover of the main character).

She’s beautiful and intriguing and although I don’t think I could actually be involved with a drug dealer, as a girl in the closet it’s my dream to be admired by someone like Alex does to Chapman.  I question my sexuality.  Every day.  If not ever hour.  But it’s things like these that make me look at myself and say “nah girl, gayyyyy”.
While my friends obsess about Christian Grey and Ryan Gosling I’m obsessing with some lesbian character which is not something I see straight girls doing.

I’m not gonna go into a sexuality rant now, there’s plenty time for that.  Just want to mention to future-self, girl you were frickin in awe with Alex whether you deny this now or not.

 

And finally, conquering a fear.
Ok so I guess we’re reverting back to sexuality for a second but in a strange way because I don’t think this is sexual attraction as much as just simple attraction.A 5 minute walk from my house is a coffee shop that opened semi-recently.  I saw a women, about 5’5″, late 20s, short black hair, tattoos, few facial piercings and a mesmerizing sense of style working almost every day and she scared the absolute shit outa me.  I went in once and ordered a coffee (which was delicious) but I had to talk to her to buy it and that was too fucking terrifying to ever do again.  I walk by the shop about 10 times a week and I often see her seeing me through the window.  “Shitshitshitshitshitshit” goes through my mind as I’m out of sight.

Now I don’t know what it is about this women but she intimidates me like no one before, and intrigues me like no one before and I try to avoid her like no one before.

Anyhoo, I went to a party the other night and she was there.  She came right up to me and started talking to me and even complimenting me.  This seems like some leadup to the insecure, in the closet girl getting chased down by the confident lesbian and they whisk off together but that’s not how it went.  She brought her boyfriend and we talked about how alcohol cools you down, dogs, her studies, my studies, it was all very interesting.
I think the best way to describe how I felt toward her was starstruck.

She was this celebrity to me, unapproachable and interesting.

That party was frightening but after that dreaded conversation, I now feel comfortable with her presence and won’t be avoiding the shop anymore which is a relief since it’s actually quite beautiful and well decorated with great pasteries and excellent lattés.

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“Intro To Blogging 1100”

Never done this seriously before.

I wrote in a journal in my early teen years but since then, nuthin’.

I started another blog today.  I created it ’cause in class I didn’t have it in me to concentrate and my mind wandered to this fictional love story I’d love to bring to life on paper, and maybe later through film.  My mac doesn’t have word yet so I figured I’d write it on a blog.

Anyways, I wrote it from the perspectives of the characters and now I’m finding it strange to write as myself.  The reason I am though, is because I’m not the character.  And in life I play characters.  But for a little bit today I’d like to talk freely without the character front up.

My goal is not to lie.  I’ve given myself permission to change minor details to ensure my feeling of anonymity, but otherwise I’ve gotta be truthful.

I think this blog will be a mix of my present and past, but I guess we’ll have to see.

I feel like this will only be read by me, but if a stranger falls upon it then huh.   The internet works in crazy ways.

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